pillows

But I remember that night so well.

You were there.
Asleep. But there.

You were tired, I knew well not to disturb you.
Braving the dark,
I gathered all the pillows,
pulling even the ones
under your arms and legs.
I piled them against the wall,
so I could squeeze myself onto them
that I would be able to sleep.

How I wished to wake you up
and tell you that I couldn’t sleep,
that I was scared,
that I needed you to hold me.

You were there.
Asleep. But there.

So I had to be brave.
I knew that if I did wake you up
you’d just tell me
that I should be strong.
You’d tell me
that I should have the courage
to find my way in the dark,
to learn to get by not by asking,
but by finding a way
to get what I need,
to survive.

And I did it, I slept,
I got through that night.
I survived.

I built up my courage
because it was enough
for me to know
you were there.
Asleep.
But there.

Then there would be tougher nights.
I groped in the dark to gather pillows,
and only some were good,
most were lumpy.
There were many nights
I wasn’t able to sleep,
but each time, I made it through the night.

Tonight I will get one last pillow,
The courage to face you
with what I have done
with my life so far
while you were there.
It’s not much though,
but it’s not that bad.

Tomorrow, when you wake up,
I hope you’ll be glad
that I made it through.
I survived
because I always knew in my heart
you were there.

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